Right, serious blog time. No joking around, no rambling self-awareness, no pointless and disruptive diversions into literary nirvana. Just serious, helpful, useful tips for aspiring travellers who wish to follow my immaculate lead. Copy me, and you too shall achieve the spiritual, emotional and edible enlightenment I myself have achieved by being better than you at travelling. The first trick is to always use exactly three adjectives when describing anything (see above).
Fuck, I already lost it. Back on track. Serious. Here is the title.
How to be a good traveller and enlightened human, by George the human.
#1 – Always assert your dominance over other travellers by instantly recounting all of the places you’ve been and how long you spent there. This works especially well if you’ve spent a lot of time in Thailand, because it’s impossible not to achieve spiritual enlightenment in Thailand.
#2 – Whenever you meet someone who has not been to a place that you have been, quote the following – “You haven’t been to (place)?! Oh man, you gotta go, its incredible. You haven’t travelled until you’ve been to (place)!”
#3 – Never, under any circumstances, admit that you don’t know something. Travelling expands the mind, and if your mind is not already expanded to at least the smallest possible unit of large-mindedness greater than the next-largest-minded person in the room, you are a bad traveller. In a squeeze, bluff. Everyone else in the room is probably doing the same anyway.
#4 – Follow step #3 with repeated claims of how much you’ve learned by listening and absorbing the wise words of the other travellers you’ve met on your wanderings. Throw in a few condescending jibes about it being a shame none of your present company is of the same traveller-calibre.
Disclaimer: The above is sarcasm. If that surprises you, you may have come to the wrong blog. You may also be a person who does some or all of the above “tips”, so please stop doing those too.
Here is the real advice. Admittedly, vague, pointless and demonstrably wrong advice, but advice nonetheless. Anyway, these are some things I have variously learnt or failed to learn and wish to share with all of the non-existent people who think I’m worth listening to for some reason. Ill-advised advice from an ill-advised nincompoop:
- There are literally countless different ways to travel, and none of them is right
- Stop seeking authenticity, you’re ruining it
- Embrace the confusion, some things just aren’t meant to be worked out
- Don’t complain when shit isn’t the same as it is at home, that’s the point dumbass
- Eat everything. More often than not, disgusting looking things actually are disgusting, and delicious looking things actually are delicious, but it’s worth having a nibble on all of them anyway. (Hannah disagrees with this; “Sweet rice and corn is nice. So is pancakes with mustard and boiled vegetables.” – Thanks Han)
- Always have a clean pair of socks
- Be comfortable with your own brain. You get a lot of time to talk to yourself travelling, it helps if the two of you can get along
- Doesn’t matter what intrepid places you’ve been, if you’re a superior dick about it nobody wants to hear your stories (Hannah: “Nobody wants to hear your stories anyway”)
- Drink more water
- It’s not worth associating with anyone who can’t laugh when you call them out on their bullshit
- Do whatever the fuck you want (unless you don’t want to)
P.S Poland was awesome. Cold, but awesome. Everyone is nice, a little bit scary, and will immediately offer you potatoes or vodka, regardless of physical or social circumstance. Polish people will back me up on this.
P.P.S We now fly to India for financial reasons, so anyone who has been, or has thought about going, or even just wants to chat, let me know of any tips or advice. It will probably be ignored, but at least you’ll be able to say ‘I told you so’ when it inevitably goes tits up.